When you know, but you don't *know*, you know?

Anyone who's been through anything like this before knows it's a huge emotional roller coaster.  It took us two and a half years to get pregnant with our first child so I was expecting it to be worth it but tough and that I'd more or less be able to handle it (despite being a mega planner and knowing there would be a whole host of things I wouldn't be able to plan for).
Point: It's only been a handful of months, but we're about to transition our second foster kiddo out of our home. 
I truly hate it when people learn you're a foster parent and they automatically say "I wouldn't be able to" or "It would be too hard for me" or the worst "I'd get too attached."  Hellooooo!  Do you realize what you just said to me?  Anyone who knows me knows I don't cry much.  That said, I've always felt like my emotions have run in high gear my whole life and it's taken me decades to get them under control/force myself to clamp my mouth shut before I speak, not react until I process, etc.  I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm way better than I used to be.  I struggle *really* hard when people say those things.  It isn't just me.  It's pretty much every foster parent I've met (well, every one I'm willing to interact with a second time, which is most foster parents): we do get attached.  We are in charge of giving these children unconditional love and firm boundaries to help them feel secure and help them grow into their best selves. 
Point: our first foster kiddo, A (as we call her online) was an adorable sweetheart who mispronounced family (flamily...SO hilarious) every single time.  Within two weeks, it seemed very obvious that A was attached to Relative in a big way.  As much as a foster parent can do, we advocated for her to be able to live with Relative.  I was able to meet Relative fairly early in that situation and it was just *right* for them to be together.  There was no doubt.  Yay for a plan of action.  A transitioned out of our home and into Relative's house with no hiccups.  Yes.  I was advocating for it.  Yes.  I firmly believe that's what was best for A.  Yes.  I bawled my little Hannah eyeballs out.  Once when we got the news and again right after she left.
About a week after A left, Shakira (as we call her online) came into our home.  Situations are always very different.  That's obviously to be expected.  However...  Well...  Long story short, not only did everyone make it seem like Shakira would be with us for quite some time, but I also had two (TWO) people in the case ask me if I'd be willing to take the sibling once available.  So, yes, we reorganized everything (our space around the house, our lives, I bought everything we'd need for startup, we updated our license, ALL of that jazz).  It didn't matter that Hubby is scheduled to leave right around the time Sibling was supposed to be coming to our home.  It seemed like a terrifying but right choice.  Then (because nothing ever works out how I plan), we got an uber curve ball.  Instead of getting word that Sibling was ready to come to our home, we were informed that Shakira will be leaving to live elsewhere.  "I'd get too attached."  Yeah.  No duh.  We all get too attached.  Especially me.  Especially when I'm expecting to keep her plus Sibling for a medium to extended length of time.  "It would be too hard."  Of course.  Hubby even saw me cry.  I'm utterly heartbroken.  I won't jazz it up or try and sugar coat it. 
That said, I've been struggling really hard to try and find the few positives I can think of.  And I have to believe that it will all end up for the best, both for Shakira and for us. 
I have a foster friend who jokes about how she has the long-foster juju because all of the fosters she's ever had have been 1-3 years in length in her home.  I'm afraid to say that I apparently have the short term foster juju which is not exactly easy or helpful.  Pretty much it just sucks.  Right as we get everything Kiddo needs and right as we finally find a good routine, they move on.  It totally sucks, even if it ends up being the right thing once it's all said and done.
So...that's my update.  We have been fostering.  We've actually helped two separate kiddos during this tough time of their lives.  I've given it my all and I guess that's all I can do.
Until next time...
Over and out...
See ya later alligator...
Adios amigos...
And all that jazz.

Woo hoo! One step forward

After nine to ten months, we're finally a licensed foster family.  Our first act was to change agencies (so many issues with the first one, hence it took so long to become licensed).  Now that we're transferred over, we requested they update our license to include either boys or girls (because our first agency said we had to choose).  I told her that if there was a boy in our age range who they didn't have a home for, that would be totally fine, but since there weren't any who needed a home when we were first able, my preference would be to have a girl for our first foster.  Some people get all offended when there's a gender preference.  I don't see why.  In a way, boys would maybe be easier since we have two and know how to handle a lot of the boy stuff.  That said: I have the entire age range covered in terms of startup clothes (I have at least three outfits in each size).  If we ended up getting a boy in Gabe's current size, there would be a harder time distinguishing whose clothes are whose (although totally do'able) whereas I have everything good-to-go for a girl.  Let's be real: I've always wanted a girl.  I know they can be psychos just as easily, and I'm not a really girly-girl myself and a part of me uber loves being a boymom...but a part of me still wants to be able to mother a girl.  Add to that the fact that we chose our age range to try and make sure it was Gabe's friend age range as compared to Gabe seeing it as another baby taking up way too much of my time and energy again (although at some point, I could totally see fostering a baby/toddler).  Let's be real: I thought that Gabe's best friends were always girls because those were the kids easiest to play with (about 3/4 of the kids we've met around Gabe's age are girls...it feels like girls are pretty much the only option most of the time).  But...during the several months Gabe was in preschool (after we moved here, he was REALLY struggling as there weren't kids easily available in our transition location and then once we moved here, we tried for months to find friends his age and there simply aren't people who go to the park and on playdates around here like there were in CA) he had the options of best boy friends or best girl friends.  I think there were more boys in his class than girls.  But...he still chose Lainey (f) as his best friend and Peyton (f) as his second best friend.  He'll still play with the other kids (m&f alike) but has a definite preference for those two.  So...I just figured that since he seems to lean toward girls as his favorite friends, I'd go with that.
Point: we're still waiting for our license to be updated.  She said that *sometimes* it happens within a week, but is usually about two weeks...but if they're really backed up, it could be a month before our license is updated...which really stinks (and I did let her know we'd still love to do respite care in the meantime, but nothing's come up).  So in *theory* we should be entirely good to go and will HOPEFULLY get matched with our first foster kiddo sometime this month...but then I think about how it took the better part of a year to even get licensed...and then I think about how it's already 1/3 of the way through the month and I try really hard not to get discouraged.  We all know that once I decide to go for something, I go hard core.  I totally acknowledge that I don't know the best timing for everything...but it's hard when I want something so bad and we've worked really hard to get it and it just feels like a continuous waiting game.  I totally know that there will be lots of struggles once we're matched too so I'm *trying* to take advantage of things being a bit more slow now, but still...  Patience seems to be the ongoing lesson I need to learn for my entire life. 

Update - le sigh

Long story short: I haven't quilted much since we finally moved into our new house.  I've made two quilts: both toddler sized and to be donated to specific foster children where the quilts had one side with their name and the other side with their favorite thing (space for one, princesses for the other).  I haven't really made anything with the intent to sell and honestly find it hard to make the time to quilt just for fun.
Regarding the adoption process...We'd chosen to apply to become a foster family.  There have been so.many.issues with this.  Our application is in and in theory should be approved shortly (although in theory it should've been sent in almost six months ago and things keep getting delayed).  I keep trying to focus on the fact that it took us 2.5 years to get pregnant with Gabe...and his timing ended up being perfect...and/or how Hux happened in our last month of trying and his timing was perfect too.  I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but the issues (specifically with our agency) have been beyond frustrating.  That said, I'm trying to focus on other things for now.  No more (or at least very little) energy will be spent on fostering or adopting in the future until we're actually licensed.  When we turned in our first set of paperwork to become a foster family, I knew I wasn't ready to adopt yet (but that was eight months ago now).  Hux is now over a year old and Gabriel just started preschool outside of the home (he wasn't doing well after we moved here and were unable to find friends his age that we could routinely meet up with) and will be going to school three full days at the beginning of the schoolyear.  My theory on full days instead of his current three hour days is that I will be able to schedule foster or Hux appts during that time, volunteer during that time, maybe get a part time job if I find something that works well with us in the field I'm wanting to go into at some point.  Gabe has really been loving preschool and we haven't had a lot of problems (there have been issues with him being upset that it's time to leave and some issues with other kids bullying him which is insane to me because they're all 3-5 years old!).  He's loving it and with his scholarship, it shouldn't cost *that* much more for full days but will make things way easier once we actually have a foster.
Financially, we're pretty okay.  We stick to our strict budget, but have it in the budget that we can do fun things every once in a while.  I love that we have a long-term savings for both boys and that we have money set aside each month for a minivan fund (we'd like to be able to foster and at some point adopt a sibling set if possible, but we won't be able to do that until we have more car space; I'm feeling kinda dumb for having purchased the Jeep slightly over a year ago; it *does* more easily fit three carseats/booster seats, but when our goal was always to have 3-5 kids I don't know why I thought a Jeep was a good idea).  I have a goal amount and we're trying to throw as much as possible into that fund while still being able to have fun with the boys (go out to eat once a month, Gabe had swim lessons last month, etc).  It will take quite a while to save up the money, but as of now that's our main goal.
I'll be honest: we still haven't 100% cut out the idea of adopting internationally.  I still kinda love the idea of it.  However, on our current income, that just won't be possible.  So until then, our goal is to help families who are going through the difficult transition of foster care.  I've read a LOT about it and know it'll be crazy hard for the kiddos...and crazy hard for the parents...and crazy hard for us.  But ever since I got pregnant with Hux, this has been on our hearts.  I'm unsure if we're meant to help reunite one family or several.  I'm unsure if this will lead us to adopt from foster care or if we're simply meant to foster.  I'm trying to keep an open mind and heart about it and we'll just see how it goes.  But I can't help being extremely terrified/nervous while also being crazy excited.